just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
