Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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