I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
