you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
