I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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