i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
