when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
