Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
how drunk are you?
Several
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
