My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I want to have your abortion
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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