if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
