Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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