My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
