Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
