I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
