hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
