Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
