my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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