Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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