Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
