You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
