The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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