I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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