I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
