I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
