He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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