1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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