I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
