Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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