I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
