i just wanna soil my oats bro
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
