i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
