u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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