I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
