Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
