I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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