I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
