Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
