Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
