he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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