just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Randomize
