there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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