i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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