Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
