i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
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