I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
