ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
