I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
