Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
