Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
