dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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