Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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