how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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